Granted I’ve only been a Dad for 2 weeks, but in that time I’ve heard the magical words, “You’re the best husband ever.” Trust me, I was just as floored as you are right now.

Best husband ever is not really a title I’m used to, you know? Ever since she said this I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve done to earn such a praise, from a woman nicknamed Diabla, mind you.

Not only what I’ve done, but also how I can help my fellow new Dad’s in achieving this wonderful title. So, here’s my list of things I did (or really tried to do) to make my wife’s life so much easier.

10. Do not let the home become a shit-hole. Man, this is hard. I hate cleaning. If you ask me, I say it’s always worth it to pay someone to clean your place. Problem is, when you have a baby all you can think about is saving money (we’ve already started a 529 for Grayson). I decided I’d make it my job to clean the place while she was breastfeeding. Shocking the results.

9. Cook. I am the worst cook in the history of the world. Seriously. Luckily, we have friends around us who were thrilled to bring us dinners, in exchange for some precious baby time. Fine by us! But, they won’t do it every night (we need more friends). I’ve learned to follow recipes fairly well. Nothing too difficult, pre-made pastas, taco night and steak and potatoes are all perfect. Make sure you clean the dishes while you’re at it. Trust.

8. Give the lady quiet time. Dude, you’re sleeping so much more than her. Let’s be honest, during the 3am feedings, you’ve definitely fallen asleep. So, help her out during the day by taking the kid for a walk outside. She’ll be able to take a nap, or shower. It’s shocking how much showering makes my wife feel like a normal person.

7. Laundry. Wow, does our kid go through a lot of clothes. And, of course, we have coin laundry. In our house, me doing the laundry this isn’t a problem, because I do it anyways. Of course, you could always pay someone to do it for you.

6. Bring the baby to your wife at night. The best tip I got was from a dad who said, “When it’s feeding time at night, get up and bring the baby to your wife. This will pay off dividends.” It has.

5. “You’re a great mom, you’re a great mom, you’re a great mom.” Having a kid is the most frustrating thing a woman can go through (I’ve determined). Constant reminders about how wonderful a job she is doing can go along way. Plus, it might save her from throwing the baby out the window when he won’t latch at 3am.

4. Don’t bitch. “Honey, I’m tired.” “You’re fucking tired?! Really!? You’re tired? Let me tell you how tired I am, then we’ll see just how tired you feel, a-hole.” Yeah, let’s avoid this at all costs.

3. Keep track of the feedings and the boobs. I’ve been keeping a log so that we were on a schedule during the first couple of weeks. It’s helped keep both our sanity, and allowed us to plan for everything outside the boob a lot better. Also, it helps to know what boob to start with. Trust me, it’s too difficult to keep up. PS. Some people buy their wives bracelets and things of that nature to remember.

2. Don’t let her feel like a milk cow. The worst thing that can happen is for your wife to feel like she’s only here to feed the baby. On one boob, diaper change, on the next boob, baby goes away, she pumps, he sleeps, she sleeps, he wakes up and it’s rinse and repeat. Make sure your wife is getting quality time with the little guy. Otherwise she’s going pretty depressed, and it’ll be your fault.

1. Change every diaper. I made sure I changed every diaper in the first two weeks. Mainly because it was bonding experience between Gray and I. She was feeding him, and he was sleeping, right, so I wanted a way to connect with him. Maybe there’s a better way than getting shit and pissed on, but I haven’t figured it out yet. So, for now, it’s our way of connecting. Even though it means I’m getting pooped on.

And for bonus points… Tell off a parent or two. I had no idea just how far this would go. The truth is, everyone raises children differently. So, when your parent tells you that this isn’t the way they’d do it, tell them you appreciate their input, but they can stick it up their ass. Wait… maybe don’t say it like that……….

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