Every dad I’ve talked to is always telling me how they like to bond with their kid without having boobs.

Have you ever seen a group of people more desperate to have boobs? It kills me every time I’ve heard a dad mention it. “Sure she can feed him and all, but you can, too. They have bottles, you know.” Or, “I like to rock him to sleep, since I can’t feed him to sleep like someone can.” The jealousy is astounding. The only other group of people who understand this type of jealously are tween girls. All their friends have boobs, when will theirs show up??? It’s the same thing really.

This is reason number 183 why parenting is so weird.

So, let’s discuss some ways that dads can bond with their kid, without having the boobs from Meet the Fockers. Though, I guess, you could try that… weirdo. I’ve covered some of these in the 10 Commandments, but they should be repeated.

Bring the baby to the wife at night: The kid is upset, and the first thing he sees is you. Ok, so it’s not the most ideal situation, but it’s something. I like to see if I can calm him down before I hand him over to Diabla. That way I give myself credit for what has happened, as I drift back asleep. It’s the small victories.

Burp and Change him: This sort of goes along with the first point. In between boobs, I take Grayson and burp and change him. Of course, this usually results in getting spit up on, pissed on and shit on. Do with that what you will.

Feed him: Yeah, I know I just made fun of it, but it does work. I will say, I’m amazed how quickly my kid can tear through a bottle. 20 minutes on each boob, equates to 2 minutes on the bottle. He really treats the bottle like a shot. This really makes me scared for his future liver. 2 ounces means nothing to this kid.

Tummy Time: Oh man, tummy time is hilarious. I hate that we can’t think of a better name for it. Fish out of water time? Grayson is a master of fish out of water time. Just put the kid on his belly and see if you can make him flip over. If anything, it’s funny to watch for 10 minutes.

Skin to Skin: Here’s another name I can’t stand. Skin to Skin. Have you seen Requiem for a Dream? There’s a scene in there that the words Skin to Skin always reminds me of. You either know it or you don’t. Anyways, I do like when Gray sleeps on my chest. Apparently, he loves it too.

Massage: I guess babies love to be massaged. Every time I do it Gray farts like a high school kid after eating McDonalds, and I laugh like the high school kids more immature friend.

Baby Bjorn: Holy crap, this works 90% of the time. Put the kid in and walk around. Boom, he’s asleep in your arms aren’t going to sleep.

Watch the Cowboys together: Maybe this is just what Gray and I do? Ok, so we don’t let him actually watch tv, but I let him hear it (along with a few obscenities… he’ll learn them sooner or later, right?).

Whatever you do try and give the wife a break. Grayson and I go on stroller walks, or I’ll hold him while she showers. It sucks, you know, because you’re at work all day. So, take advantage of all the time you can. Otherwise, you’re a terrible dad, and you won’t be thanked when he wins the Heisman.

I’m sure y’all have plenty more ideas, so feel free to comment below. By that I mean on the blog, your Facebook comments do no good to anyone, but me.