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Getting Out of the House

September 20, 2010 //
4

We had some pretty big steps in parenthood happen in consecutive days. I should probably tell you about them.

The first was on Sunday. Dibs, Gray and I got out of the house for longer than 2 hours. The second was Dibs leaving the boys home for her first girl’s night after Grayson was born.

On Sunday, a friend invited us over to his place to watch the Cowboys game. He lives about 3o minutes away in the North Bay, so we were a bit scared. We had milk supply, with an hours worth of traveling, plus you knew he’d be fussy considering it was our first extended trip. Surprisingly, Grayson was fine during the game, despite the abysmal showing from the Cowboys. We fed him right up until we left to his house, and we fed him a few hours into the game. He took down the bottle, and needed more, of course he did. No big deal, right? Marse had her Hooter Hider, and she feed him.

After the game, we had to stop by Babies R Us to pick up a breast pump (we’ve been renting). Inside of Babies R Us is when things got interesting.

I need to briefly preface this story. Leading up to Sunday, Grayson had not pooped in about 3 days. I know you now know where this is all headed. Naturally, we were concerned, since before this poop-lull Grayson had not gone 30 minutes without shitting (I just got a vision of him reading this at age 18 and being like, “Seriously, Dad? You told people about my poop habits?”). The doctor said that if it lasts over 7 days, then we should be concerned.

He starts getting really, really cranky inside of Babies R Us. So, I pick him to see if I can calm him down. “Weird, there’s something wet on my arm,” I think to myself. I pull him away to see an ocean of poop all over me and him. He exploded! There was poop everywhere. It was so bad we had to buy him new clothes. Hell, we threw away most of what he was wearing. Luckily, we were at Babies R Us, right? How all that poo was inside that little body I’ll never know. So I clean him off, clean myself off, change him, change myself (let’s be serious here) and he’s happy again. We’ve just had our first 5 hour excursion!

The next night, Monday, I finally convince Diabla to take a break and go meet some friends for dinner. Monday night was going to be Daddy/Gray night. We’d watch some Monday Night Football, maybe clean up the house a bit and perhaps we’d surprise her with a little treat when she came home for actually leaving the house.

It went really well. Let’s be honest, he slept most of the time in the Baby Bjorn. We watched the game (with my Fantasy Football season basically on the line), and we managed to make Dibs some Chocolate, Chocolate Chip cookies. He started getting pissed off, at what I still don’t know, so I fed him his bottle. The milk storage bags aren’t accurate with the ounces, did you know that? Me either. Thanks to that new fact, I suppose I didn’t give him enough. Here I’m thinking he’s just taken out 4 and half ounces. Well, he didn’t. So I give it all to him. Still though, he’s not happy and none of my tricks are working.

Thankfully, Dibs came home, and he was immediately quiet. Once she held him, all was right in Gray’s world. Either he was really happy to see her, or was totally done with me.

We’re a month in, and things are finally seeming like they’re getting relatively close to normal.

By relatively close, I mean, not even remotely close to normal…

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Categories Fatherhood, Humor, Parenthood, Parenting

Bond Without Boobs

September 17, 2010 //
3

Every dad I’ve talked to is always telling me how they like to bond with their kid without having boobs.

Have you ever seen a group of people more desperate to have boobs? It kills me every time I’ve heard a dad mention it. “Sure she can feed him and all, but you can, too. They have bottles, you know.” Or, “I like to rock him to sleep, since I can’t feed him to sleep like someone can.” The jealousy is astounding. The only other group of people who understand this type of jealously are tween girls. All their friends have boobs, when will theirs show up??? It’s the same thing really.

This is reason number 183 why parenting is so weird.

So, let’s discuss some ways that dads can bond with their kid, without having the boobs from Meet the Fockers. Though, I guess, you could try that… weirdo. I’ve covered some of these in the 10 Commandments, but they should be repeated.

Bring the baby to the wife at night: The kid is upset, and the first thing he sees is you. Ok, so it’s not the most ideal situation, but it’s something. I like to see if I can calm him down before I hand him over to Diabla. That way I give myself credit for what has happened, as I drift back asleep. It’s the small victories.

Burp and Change him: This sort of goes along with the first point. In between boobs, I take Grayson and burp and change him. Of course, this usually results in getting spit up on, pissed on and shit on. Do with that what you will.

Feed him: Yeah, I know I just made fun of it, but it does work. I will say, I’m amazed how quickly my kid can tear through a bottle. 20 minutes on each boob, equates to 2 minutes on the bottle. He really treats the bottle like a shot. This really makes me scared for his future liver. 2 ounces means nothing to this kid.

Tummy Time: Oh man, tummy time is hilarious. I hate that we can’t think of a better name for it. Fish out of water time? Grayson is a master of fish out of water time. Just put the kid on his belly and see if you can make him flip over. If anything, it’s funny to watch for 10 minutes.

Skin to Skin: Here’s another name I can’t stand. Skin to Skin. Have you seen Requiem for a Dream? There’s a scene in there that the words Skin to Skin always reminds me of. You either know it or you don’t. Anyways, I do like when Gray sleeps on my chest. Apparently, he loves it too.

Massage: I guess babies love to be massaged. Every time I do it Gray farts like a high school kid after eating McDonalds, and I laugh like the high school kids more immature friend.

Baby Bjorn: Holy crap, this works 90% of the time. Put the kid in and walk around. Boom, he’s asleep in your arms aren’t going to sleep.

Watch the Cowboys together: Maybe this is just what Gray and I do? Ok, so we don’t let him actually watch tv, but I let him hear it (along with a few obscenities… he’ll learn them sooner or later, right?).

Whatever you do try and give the wife a break. Grayson and I go on stroller walks, or I’ll hold him while she showers. It sucks, you know, because you’re at work all day. So, take advantage of all the time you can. Otherwise, you’re a terrible dad, and you won’t be thanked when he wins the Heisman.

I’m sure y’all have plenty more ideas, so feel free to comment below. By that I mean on the blog, your Facebook comments do no good to anyone, but me.

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Categories Baby Bonding, Fatherhood, Humor, Parenthood, Parenting

The Great Stroller Debate

September 16, 2010 //
0


(Jessica Alba, you’re missing someone…)

Before Gray arrived, the stroller debate consumed my life. Everywhere I looked, I was checking out strollers. I actually got concerned walking down the Embarcadero, when a chick walked by and I couldn’t take my eyes of her Bugaboo.

No, Bugaboo isn’t slang for her ass. It’s a stroller, and it’s much less exciting.

Dibs and I went back and forth on three strollers. We were at Giggle every day looking at them. We went so much, I’m still the Foursquare mayor.

I learned something here, folks, something important: Strollers are ridiculously expensive.

To help you guys decided, I thought I’d give you our top 3, including the one we picked.

3. Orbit Baby – $750

I still think this one is cool. I mean, you can basically spin your baby in this swivel chair. What’s not awesome about that? Oh, wait, that’s not how it works? Weird… Ultimately, we had two problems with it. 1. Diabla read on Consumer Reports that it could internally combust… or maybe it was just poorly rated. And 2. It’s not a full travel system. No car seat adapter for this stroke of “innovation.” So, you’re spending $750, and you can’t put your car seat in it? No thanks. Whoa… I just realized how much the Orbit looks like PacMan.

2. Bugaboo Cameleon – $979

I really dug the Bugaboo, but my kid just isn’t worth $979. I kid! (No I don’t.) Just like the My Brestfriend, isn’t it spelled Chameleon? Can I really trust something that’s spelled wrong? This is why I don’t go to Kwik Kar, you know? I still recommend the Bugaboo, though. It just wasn’t for us. I also still don’t really love the seat. It terrifies me. I think our kid would look too gay sitting in there.

1. UPPAbaby Vista – $680

This is the first time I realized that we actually bought the cheaper of the three strollers. Nice. We liked the UPPAbaby from the get-go. We bought the gray one (before we decided on the name, Grayson, mind you). I also like the bassinet that comes with it. We use it in the house, too, for when Gray is napping in the living room. It also matches his Chicco car seat, which was an added bonus. It’s a little wide, but that just means that other strollers should get out of our way! They have great reviews on Consumer Reports, and since Dibs is obsessed with Consumer Reports, it helped. Plus, I look pretty effin’ cool pushing this stroller around.

Good luck finding yours!

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Categories Baby Accessories for Dad, Dad Gear, Fatherhood, Parenthood, Parenting, Strollers

Newborn Products We Thought We Needed, but Didn’t (and Vice Versa)

September 14, 2010 //
0

Everyone says, “You’ll figure out that you don’t need half of the stuff you buy/is bought for you really quickly when the baby comes.” What they don’t say is, “You don’t know half of the shit that you actually need, or don’t need.” Why does no one tell you this stuff?

I got with Diabla and we put together a list of both the things we have and never used, and the things didn’t have, but really needed. I hope it helps you guys, cause, dang, no one told us this shit.

Blankets – Everyone buys you blankets. I don’t remember putting 100 blankets on the registry, yet, there they sit. Unused. We have maybe 3 blankets out of 20 that get used. The rest are in a drawer.

Diapers – It’s not that we didn’t think we’d need diapers. Of course we did. We just didn’t realize the amount of Newborn diapers we’d actually need. Holy crap he goes through a lot of diapers. Seriously, when you think you have enough Newborn diapers, buy 36 more.

Pacifier – We decided that we weren’t going to let Grayson go the pacifier route. Then we spent a night with him. Did you know the way babies soothe themselves is with sucking? Apparently, they keep their hands in their mouth a lot when in the womb. I didn’t know this. Then the first thing we do when they’re out of the womb is take their hands away. If you’re worried about them becoming addicted, Diabla read that as long as you don’t let them rely on it after month 3, it should be ok.

Lotion – We have a shitpile of baby lotion. First thing our pediatrician said, “Don’t use baby lotion on his dry skin.” Um, ok…

Boppy – Did you know the Boppy really isn’t supposed to be used for newborns? We didn’t either. Luckily a friend of ours handed hers down, and we didn’t buy it. The lactation consultant suggested the My BrestFriend (Remember when you were her “Brest Friend,” dads?). Dibs loves it. I still can’t figure out where the A in breast went.

Onesies – Stay away from buttons. Seriously, if you can find onesies that zip from toe to neck, buy them. They are so simple. Especially at 4am when you’re half asleep trying to match up buttons. Man, that is so dumb.

Shout Stain Remover – Our spray Shout now resides in a changing table drawer. Seriously, the kid poops on everything.

Lotrimin – Yes, the athlete’s foot cream. John Madden has Tough Actin’ Tinactin, baby’s have Lotrimin. It really is amazing how quickly it can get rid of diaper rash.

Swaddle – The swaddles that were bought for us sucked so hard. I stole 3 from the hospital, and we still use them. I hate the ones that have the velcro, as Gray breaks them easily. And the ones from Swaddle Designs are too flimsy.

Nipple Cream – Apparently a kid on your breast can do some things to your nips. Not to go to far into it, but Dibs recommends Motherlove. It doesn’t stain your clothes like some others.

Hand Sanitizer – I hate hand sanitizer so much. A friend of ours bought us some of this EO Hand Sanitizer Gel, and I love it. I love the lavender and I love the lemon. It doesn’t stink like most, and frankly doesn’t make your hands taste like shit. It’s great for diaper changes. You can find the EO at Whole Foods.

Lots of Wet Wipes – We go through about a pack of wipes a day. Since I hate the pee-pee-teepee, I put a dry wipe over him when I change him. I also use one to pat his booty dry.

Crib Bedding – See blankets. We subscribe to the Empty Crib theory, so the only thing in the crib is Gray, a swaddle and a…

Suction Ball Thing – That’s all that we put in the crib. I keep the same suction ball thing from the hospital in his crib. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of it.

Changing Pad Covers / Disposable Covers – Get plenty. They’re going to poop, piss and spit up all over them. Gray’s record right now is 3 in one day.

Burp Cloths – Again, the more the better. Trust me.

Pants – Funny story. We didn’t have any pants for Grayson. We had an abundance of onesie’s, but no pants. Needless to say, we had to make a quick trip to Baby Gap for some pants for the little guy. How the hell do you forget to buy your kid pants? We’re terrible parents.

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Categories Fatherhood, Newborn Checklist, Newborn Products, Parenthood, Parenting

Dad’s, The Offensive Linemen of the Family

September 10, 2010 //
2

Football started last night! While watching my fantasy team implode in the first game of the season, I started thinking about my little team at home.

From the time I was a small child playing flag football and throughout my football playing life, I was always told that a football team is a family. And, as cliche as it is, it’s true. You protect your teammates, they have your back, you have theirs. Everyone has a role, and if everyone executes that role well, you succeed.

Last night, I started filling in the starting offense of my family football team. The one I mostly struggled with was the quarterback position. Was it the mom? Or the baby?

Ultimately I’ve decided that, unless we were calling mom the head coach, she had to be the QB. She’s really the one that makes the offense go. Her production makes the running back even better. She “feeds” the baby the ball. The stronger her game is, the stronger running game/the baby will be.

I decided that our friends were the receivers. They’re on the outside, sure, but they can make some big, big plays. Things like bringing us dinner, taking care of the baby in an emergency, or giving the QB a break with ladies dinners.

Our family (Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins) is our security blanket. The people we can rely on no matter what. They’re the tight ends of our offense. They fight for the tough yards, they’re our red zone target and they’ll draw plays up with you in a hotel room (3 people got that).

That leaves us, Dads. The most under appreciated part of this offense. For we, Fathers are the offensive line. We protect the QB, we open the holes and we do the work no one appreciates. Well, our QB appreciates what we do. She may not be buying us a Rolex when we execute a perfectly time glass of water. She may not take us to a steak dinner when we bust out a 3am diaper change/burp combo. But, without us, our team is going nowhere.

Cheesy? Yeah… Accurate? Hell yeah.

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Categories Fatherhood, Humor, Parenting

The Day I Got Pooped On

September 2, 2010 //
4

I guess there’s a first time for everything.

Enter August 19th at 9am.

Grayson is in between feedings, which has become diaper changing time for me. If you remember in the 10 Steps to Being the Awesomest Dad Ever the #1 step I mentioned was changing the diaper every time when you’re home. It just gives the woman a little time to regroup and, well, she’s doing everything else, isn’t she? Let me just say the way I had his changing table set up was wrong. Extremely wrong.

As I mentioned, we live in San Francisco. Our space is limited. So, Grayson, for now, is in our room. We, well, we didn’t think things through. We had his changing table in our living room, because we figured there was better air circulation in there. Then we had his pack n play set up in our room next to his crib, for the late night changes. We really didn’t think things through.

Needless to say, since that day, I change diapers differently. Whereas I used to change them with his ass pointed toward me, I now change from the side. We’ve killed the pack n play, and now have the changing table in the room.

Let’s backtrack a little. It’s 9am feeding time, I take Grayson over to his pack n play to change him. Now Grayson is a pooper, I tell you. This kid poops like he’s just downed a bottle of ex-lax, while chewing tobacco and smoking cigarettes. As I open the diaper, shockingly, I don’t see anything there.

It was like being in front of a firing squad. I’ve never seen projectile poop before. I’ve especially never seen projectile poop flying towards me.

It was like 2 Guys 1 Diaper change in there.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get out of the way in time. I was covered, his sheets were covered and the floor was covered. I looked back at Diabla, as Gray laid there satisfied, and we both lost it. Seriously, lost it.

There I stood, covered in my son’s poop, and we’re both laughing our asses off.

You never know how you’ll react the first time you get hosed down by poop. It’s definitely not something I’m going to forget.

After I finished changing, showered and did the laundry, I changed the changing arrangement. I moved the changing table into the room, and now change him from the side of the table.

I still have nightmares about this.

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Categories Fatherhood, Parenthood, Parenting

Diaper Bags For a Dude (and the Lady)

September 2, 2010 //
0

As I mentioned in my introduction, guys get screwed when it comes to baby products. Especially when it comes to diaper bags. Somehow our choices are really cheesy (think footballs all over it), or we’re looking at carrying a Petunia Pickle Bottom. Sorry, but I have zero desire to carry something called Petunia Pickle Bottom.

And, if there is a bag that’s “designed for a guy,” it’s fucking camouflaged, has skulls on it or is bright orange. I mean really? Who comes up with this shit? At what point did diaper bag designers decide that they’re going to exclusively design diaper bags for women and rednecks? “That’s it. The only people who carry diaper bags are women and rednecks,” said every diaper bag designer. If the camo diaper bag would add a pouch for my Skoal longcut and Budweiser, then I’m sold.

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m probably overly concerned with how I look. So, carrying around a bag that wasn’t me, wasn’t an option.

Here’s the other wrinkle. Carrying two diaper bags is a terrible idea. We considered it. For starters, no one wants to buy twice the things you need for a diaper bag or two diaper bags. Secondly, well, there is no secondly. I just don’t want to have to buy twice the things you put in a diaper bag or a second bag.

Here’s the good news. You can actually convince your lady to spend wildly on a diaper bag. It’s true. Back when Diabla was looking for diaper bags in the $50 range (I know…), I was trying to figure out how to get her to up the ante a bit. “Honey, let’s look at it this way. How much do you spend on purses? Essentially, this is a purse we both have to carry, right? Plus, it’s going to last a long time. Imagine if we have another kid? We could possibly use it twice.” “OMG, you’re right!”

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s go time.

Here are the top 3 bags I found, including the one we decided to go with:

3. Gucci Messenger Diaper Bag – $845

As much as I’d like to say I convinced my wife to spend money on a diaper bag, I’d never be able to convince her to spend $800 on something that’s going to be shit on. Needless to say, the Gucci diaper bag was out. But, dude, if you can swing it, do it. Be the envy of every mom that passes you buy.

2. Jack Spade Seersucker Messenger – (On sale) $97.50

Diabla and I literally drooled when we saw this bag. Sure, it’s not a diaper bag, per se, but it’s awesome nonetheless. Did you know Kate Spade’s husband made bags? Me either! Begrudgingly, we decided to pass on the Jack Spade. Here’s why: Seersucker in the winter is a faux pas, no easily cleaned lining, and no changing pad. God, but I love it so, so much. (Not gonna lie, I think we’re going to end up buying it anyway).

And the winner was…

1. DwellStudio Navy Sullivan Diaper Bag – $180

Is it flashy? No. Is it perfect? Yes. There are so many pockets, and it can be worn with anything. It’s really big, without looking overly gigantic. It cleans easily and comes with a changing pad. We actually have the DwellStudio sheets and bedding, so we’re kind of devoted to these guys. Plus, both Dibs and I can wear this bag, and it matches our stroller. My only complaint is that the zippers and metal are gold. They don’t look gold in the photos, huh? The zipper is only on one side, so I just flip it over. Despite that, it’s totally worth the $180. It also comes in brown and gray.

Good luck… Finding a solid diaper bag is a bitch.

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Categories Baby Accessories for Dad, Diaper Bags, Fatherhood, Parenthood, Parenting

10 Steps to Being the Awesomest Husband and Dad Ever

August 31, 2010 //
4

Granted I’ve only been a Dad for 2 weeks, but in that time I’ve heard the magical words, “You’re the best husband ever.” Trust me, I was just as floored as you are right now.

Best husband ever is not really a title I’m used to, you know? Ever since she said this I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve done to earn such a praise, from a woman nicknamed Diabla, mind you.

Not only what I’ve done, but also how I can help my fellow new Dad’s in achieving this wonderful title. So, here’s my list of things I did (or really tried to do) to make my wife’s life so much easier.

10. Do not let the home become a shit-hole. Man, this is hard. I hate cleaning. If you ask me, I say it’s always worth it to pay someone to clean your place. Problem is, when you have a baby all you can think about is saving money (we’ve already started a 529 for Grayson). I decided I’d make it my job to clean the place while she was breastfeeding. Shocking the results.

9. Cook. I am the worst cook in the history of the world. Seriously. Luckily, we have friends around us who were thrilled to bring us dinners, in exchange for some precious baby time. Fine by us! But, they won’t do it every night (we need more friends). I’ve learned to follow recipes fairly well. Nothing too difficult, pre-made pastas, taco night and steak and potatoes are all perfect. Make sure you clean the dishes while you’re at it. Trust.

8. Give the lady quiet time. Dude, you’re sleeping so much more than her. Let’s be honest, during the 3am feedings, you’ve definitely fallen asleep. So, help her out during the day by taking the kid for a walk outside. She’ll be able to take a nap, or shower. It’s shocking how much showering makes my wife feel like a normal person.

7. Laundry. Wow, does our kid go through a lot of clothes. And, of course, we have coin laundry. In our house, me doing the laundry this isn’t a problem, because I do it anyways. Of course, you could always pay someone to do it for you.

6. Bring the baby to your wife at night. The best tip I got was from a dad who said, “When it’s feeding time at night, get up and bring the baby to your wife. This will pay off dividends.” It has.

5. “You’re a great mom, you’re a great mom, you’re a great mom.” Having a kid is the most frustrating thing a woman can go through (I’ve determined). Constant reminders about how wonderful a job she is doing can go along way. Plus, it might save her from throwing the baby out the window when he won’t latch at 3am.

4. Don’t bitch. “Honey, I’m tired.” “You’re fucking tired?! Really!? You’re tired? Let me tell you how tired I am, then we’ll see just how tired you feel, a-hole.” Yeah, let’s avoid this at all costs.

3. Keep track of the feedings and the boobs. I’ve been keeping a log so that we were on a schedule during the first couple of weeks. It’s helped keep both our sanity, and allowed us to plan for everything outside the boob a lot better. Also, it helps to know what boob to start with. Trust me, it’s too difficult to keep up. PS. Some people buy their wives bracelets and things of that nature to remember.

2. Don’t let her feel like a milk cow. The worst thing that can happen is for your wife to feel like she’s only here to feed the baby. On one boob, diaper change, on the next boob, baby goes away, she pumps, he sleeps, she sleeps, he wakes up and it’s rinse and repeat. Make sure your wife is getting quality time with the little guy. Otherwise she’s going pretty depressed, and it’ll be your fault.

1. Change every diaper. I made sure I changed every diaper in the first two weeks. Mainly because it was bonding experience between Gray and I. She was feeding him, and he was sleeping, right, so I wanted a way to connect with him. Maybe there’s a better way than getting shit and pissed on, but I haven’t figured it out yet. So, for now, it’s our way of connecting. Even though it means I’m getting pooped on.

And for bonus points… Tell off a parent or two. I had no idea just how far this would go. The truth is, everyone raises children differently. So, when your parent tells you that this isn’t the way they’d do it, tell them you appreciate their input, but they can stick it up their ass. Wait… maybe don’t say it like that……….

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Categories Fatherhood, Parenthood, Parenting

First Night With Grayson and Blood

August 31, 2010 //
0

I guess they don’t tell you everything in birthing class.

After all of our visitors left the first night in the hospital, we were finally able to spend some time with Gray. Dibs was obviously worn out, as was I, so we passed out pretty quickly.

A couple of hours after being asleep for a bit, I woke up to the sound of Grayson coughing. I walked over to his bassinet, and saw him coughing up blood. Yep, there’s my son, alive for only a few hours coughing up blood. Awesome. I’m still not exactly sure how I was able to stay calm during this. I grabbed the suction ball thing, and immediately started suctioning out his mouth. Dibs woke up and saw me shoving the suction ball thing in Gray’s mouth, putting him on his side and calming him down.

Not really the thing a new mom wants to see when she wakes up.

She pushes the nurses button, tells them what’s going on, a nurse comes in and there I am holding him. She wasn’t too keen on the fact that I was holding him, either. She takes him from me put him on his side and starts doing what I’ve already done.

The nurse sort of yelled at me for holding him, even though I’ve already done what they’re doing. That’s right, I paid attention on how to use the suction ball thing.

She tells me that if it happens again to pull this string in the bathroom. About an hour or so later, Dibs wakes up and sees Gray coughing up blood. This time it’s a lot more blood. She tries to get to him, but she’s had an epidural, so her legs aren’t really moving well. She wakes me up, and I start to do the same suction routine. I pull the string in the bathroom.

Next time someone tells you to pull a string in the bathroom, you should ask, “What does this string do?” I failed to do this. It’s the emergency string. BOOM! A team of people come rushing in, push me out of the way and start working on Grayson.

“He’s fine,” they say as they look at me with a confused face. Of course he’s fine now, I used the suction ball thing again. Hello?! “Why did you pull the emergency string,” they ask? Um, because y’all didn’t tell me it was the emergency string. They tell me that if it happens again, then I should do the same thing, and call the nurse like we did last time. Wow, let’s get it together, folks.

Well, an hour later, Grayson starts coughing up blood… AGAIN! I go through the same routine, the nurse comes in, and tells me they’re going to suction his stomach in the nursery. Again, you’ve just had your baby a few hours ago, and now they’re going to suction his stomach? Dibs wasn’t worried about this in the least. Nope. I go into the nursery with them and watch as they pump his little stomach. It was not the best thing I’ve had to watch, you know.

They tell me I should leave him in the nursery for the rest of the night so we can get some sleep, and they can monitor him. Um, are you kidding me? We weren’t going to take our eyes off the little guy. Thankfully, the stomach pump worked, and he was fine for the rest of the night. I know, because I watched him like a hawk.

We’ve later found out that this was a result of Dibs’ water breaking, and her not pushing him out. He was breathing in the blood and mucous. Yeah, I know. Remember when I told you guys we had to wait for our doctor to deliver the baby? Well, that caused this. They don’t tell you this in a class, so I’m telling you now.

If you wake up in the middle of your first night with your kid and he’s throwing up blood, be calm and suction the shit out of him.

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Categories Fatherhood, Parenthood, Parenting

Hello Grayson – A Birth Story

August 29, 2010 //
0

I suppose you can’t have a baby blog without talking about the birth story.

Ours was surprisingly normal. Dibs woke up around 3am with contractions. I woke up around 5am and noticed she was not in bed. We hung out for about an hour as the contractions grew closer. Keep in mind, we’re pretty clueless on how to time them, even with the iPhone app.

When we determined they were close enough to call the hospital, I thought I’d be a good husband and do it. Mainly because had Dibs done it would have sounded like, “Hi, this is OOOOOooohhhhh, and my contractions are OOOOOooohhhhh.” When I called, no one answered. That’s right, the hospital didn’t answer the phone as my wife is going into labor.
Needless to say, this did not go over well with Dibs. She’s definitely earned the nickname Diabla, folks. She rips the phone out of my hand, calls again and leaves an amazing message.
If there was one thing I learned on Gray’s birthday it was that labor is not like movies.
I was expecting to be rushing to the hospital, weaving in and out of randomly placed Grandma’s crossing the street with walkers. Instead, we drove about 25mph and Dibs yelled at me for every bump we hit.
We finally get to the hospital, after hitting every light, and they tell us it’s not time yet. Really?!
Despite the fact that Dibs couldn’t walk and her contractions were on top of each other, the nurses determined that Gray wasn’t coming out till tomorrow since she was only 3cm dilated. They suggested that we should go home. “Um, y’all want me to take her home like this?”
The nurse decided to admit us, since I probably couldn’t handle her if we went home. Whew…
Dibs had decided that she’d wait for her water to break before she got an epidural. About an hour or so after being admitted, it broke. Shortly after that, she was dilated 5cm. Thanks, nurses.
The epidural wasn’t as bad as she thought, though I’m sure everyone says that.
Shortly after the epidural was administered Dibs passed out. Again, this is not like the movies. I sat beside her holding her hand with one hand, and playing words with friends with the other.
When she woke up an hour or so later, she was dilated 10cm and it was go time.
Epidurals are amazing. Our doctor was busy with another pregnancy a few doors down, who was having a natural birth, and let’s just say get the epidural.
I’d also like to point out how phenomenal our nurses (the delivery nurses, that is) were. They really were incredible.
Dibs was an amazing pusher. So amazing in fact, her and I almost pushed out the baby on our own when our nurse went to see where the doctor was. She left and said, “Just keep pushing.” When she came back she screamed, “Stop pushing!” Dibs literally could have pushed the kid out on her own. We had to wait about 20 minutes for the doc to show up before pushing again.
Also, can I just say, the man’s role is pretty much awkward and useless.
I counted down from 10 while she pushed, told her how amazing she was and held a leg for a bit. Maybe we provide some emotional support, but for the most part we’re useless.
At 5:39 Grayson slid his way out.
I’m not going to try to describe what it was like when we first saw him. No way I can do it justice. It was beyond anything I thought I could feel.
Grayson was a chunky 8lbs – 6oz and 20.5in.
He is all awesome.
I have so much more to say about prelabor things like the classes, picking out diaper bags, strollers, cribs, etc.
There’s also night after the delivery things I need to talk about, as well as bringing Grayson home.
And I will… All in due time.
Thanks for reading by the way.
This is all so different than what I usually write about. AKA… dick and fart jokes.

Categories Fatherhood, Parenthood, Parenting
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